In his final few months as Manchester United manager, something changed deep within Louis van Gaal.
He spoke of the “big arousal” the supporters had for the FA Cup. He explained how he often told his players to be more “horny” in keeping the ball and moving it quicker.
And then after his penultimate home game, Van Gaal channelled compatriot Ruud Gullit in his assessment of, for want of a better phrase, a coming together between Marouane Fellaini and Robert Huth.
“Every human being who is grabbed by the hair, only with sex masochism, then it is allowed but not in other situations,” he said, putting Fellaini’s elbow under Huth’s chin down as a simple “reaction” from the Belgian to having his follicles pulled back.
“Shall I grab you by your hair? What is your reaction when I grab your hair? Your hair is shorter than Fellaini but when I do that, what are you doing then?” Van Gaal added, reaching for the locks of poor Sky Sports reporter Patrick Davison.
A decade and a day later, those comments retained their relevance after the latest Premier League red card for a hair pull.
Daniel Ballard became the second player this season to see red for such an offence against Wolves striker Tolu Arokodare. David Moyes was incensed at Michael Keane receiving that same punishment, while Michael Carrick could barely articulate his fury after Lisandro Martinez was dismissed for removing Dominic Calvert-Lewin’s bobble.
The managerial indignation at such a seemingly minor infraction incurring the strongest sanction is predictable.
But it will never not be funny hearing coaches convey such anger when a simpler solution might be to stop their players being wilfully stupid.
Ballard expressed a deeply unearned level of confusion while the most inevitable sequence of events played out. His attempts to feign surprise at being sent off for what the FA has clearly underlined as a red-card offence were impressive.
It is absurd to read explainer sentences like ‘the VAR is looking for clear evidence that the opponent’s hair is in the grasp, not only touching it’. As Wayne Rooney said, “it’s ridiculous” for such things to be talking points.
But even more ludicrous is how players are not being deterred from doing something they know will get them sent off.
Thomas Tuchel once asked “since when can we pull hair on a football field?” after Cristian Romero avoided censure for dragging Marc Cucurella to the ground in a particularly tempestuous game between Chelsea and Spurs.
The answer in 2026 is ‘never’. Even a sexagenarian Van Gaal was well ahead of his time.
By Matt Stead
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