I stayed in my tech job for years because of the “golden handcuffs.” It turns out they were worthless.

Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

I worked at a very stressful, very difficult job for seven years because of the money. Not just my salary, which was generous, but also because I had stock options that I understood would turn out to be at least the down payment on an apartment once the company went public. The dream of that down payment got me through a lot of late nights and stressful seasons. And then everything at the company imploded, and my options ended up being worth nothing.

I still don’t know exactly what happened or who is to blame, if anyone. I’m not the only one who got screwed, and yet, I just cannot get over it. I have left the sector and totally changed careers, I am so much happier now, I work less, my time is mine. But nearly everyday I think about how stupid I was to waste so many years of my life for something that never materialized. I was wondering if you have any advice for me on how I can move on from this.

—Bitter

Dear Bitter,

You’re grieving a loss, and I don’t mean the loss of the options themselves. You worked seven years toward a goal that evaporated—those options were designated in your mind toward a down payment, which in itself represented security, freedom, and validation that the hard years were worth it. Of course you’re angry.

But you need to stop telling yourself that you were stupid or that you wasted those years. You weren’t and you didn’t. You made a calculated bet that many smart people make and traded time, and perhaps peace of mind, for money. Stock options are always a gamble—sometimes they pay off spectacularly, sometimes they’re worth nothing. You knew that intellectually, even if emotionally you’d convinced yourself it was guaranteed.

You definitely didn’t waste seven years. You earned a generous salary during that time. You gained skills and experience that enabled you to change careers successfully. You’re happier now, working less, with more time for yourself. That career change was built on the foundation of those seven years, even if they were brutal.

So, stop punishing past-you for not having a crystal ball. You made the best decision you could with the information you had. The company imploded—that wasn’t your fault or your failure.
But since you’re still thinking about this daily after leaving the industry entirely, consider talking to a therapist. Carrying this much bitterness is poisoning your present, and you’ve already lost enough to this company. Don’t let them take your inner peace, too.

Finally, find a way to start saving toward that downpayment again, even if it’s small amounts. Taking action toward your short- and longer-term financial goals will help you feel less powerless about what happened. Think of it this way: you’re not starting over—you’re starting smarter.

Dear Pay Dirt,

My 40-year-old daughter has been living with me for past year after a bad breakup coincided with a layoff. I was very happy to be able to invite her to live with me, and I’m glad she’s here. I am living off a generous pension from my late husband (her father) as well as retirement savings and social security. I can afford for her to live here without her contributing, but I do let her give me a few hundred dollars a month in “rent,” mostly because she insisted. (She has set up an automatic transfer from her bank to mine for $400 a month.) Right now, I’m just leaving that money in my checking account, though of course it’s not earning interest. I’m wondering if you have a better idea for what I should do with the money. I would eventually like to give it back to my daughter, but I can’t imagine she’ll let me do that while I’m alive, so maybe it will have to be after I’m dead, which I hope won’t be for awhile!

—“Landlord” Mom

Dear “Landlord” Mom,

What a lovely way to support your daughter while respecting her dignity. Letting her pay “rent” when she insisted was exactly right—it allows her to feel independent during a vulnerable time rather than like a charity case living off Mom. (And, kudos to you and your late husband, for raising her with a solid sense of what is right and wrong about accepting help.)

Here’s what I’d do with that $400 monthly: Open a separate high-yield savings account—check Bankrate.com for current savings rates (around 3.5 percent as I write this). Set it up so her automatic transfers go directly into that account, or transfer the money there yourself each month. That way it earns interest instead of sitting idle in your checking, and keeping it completely separate makes it psychologically easier to give back to her eventually.

You’re right that she won’t accept it while you’re alive if you try to hand it back as a lump sum. But here’s an alternative: When she’s ready to move out, use this money to help her with moving costs, her security deposit, or setting up her new place. Frame it as “I saved your rent payments to help you get back on your feet” rather than “Here’s charity.” She’ll likely accept help with a specific transition more readily than a random check.

—Ilyce

More Money Advice From Slate

As we approach middle age, my sister and I have spoken frequently about how different our circumstances are compared to our social circles. We know we will not receive any inheritance as our parents have no assets, whereas most of our friends expect to receive significant or even life-changing amounts. Because of this, we live more modest lives compared to our close friends despite our household incomes being very similar, as we are prioritizing saving for retirement and paying off our mortgages before old age. I am single and childless but my sister has been married for over 10 years and has three small children. Recently, my brother-in-law casually mentioned to me how much he stands to inherit from his parents. It is an astronomical sum of money and I had no idea his parents were so wealthy. He clearly thought I was already aware of his circumstances and their plans for this money. My sister has never even hinted at this.