I’VE always been pretty happy with my bodywork . . . but few women would turn down the chance of a tune-up.
And after seeing Kim Kardashian’s outfit at the Met Gala last week, I knew just where to go — an auto repair shop in Lydd, Kent, of course.
Owner Martyn Smith helped the 45-year-old reality star make waves at the New York fashion extravaganza last week when she turned up in a fibreglass breastplate he spray-painted orange.
Could he do the same for me?
While Kim’s top was sculpted by artists Patrick Whitaker and Keir Malem, I jumped on the train down to the Garden of England with a cheap plastic mannequin torso, £13.99 from Amazon.
Now it was down to Martyn to transform it, and me, into a catwalk-ready masterpiece.
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When I arrived at his low-key MPS Body & Paint workshop set on a quiet farm, I was greeted by his faithful dog Teddy, the smell of paint and the all-too-familiar odours of the countryside.
Still, my hopes were high if, of course, Martyn could find time for me with his new-found fame.
The 55-year-old dad of two was chosen for the Kim job after previously working on a car for Patrick and Keir, who created Kim’s outfit with pop artist Allen Jones.
Martyn said: “It was kept hush-hush as they told me it was top secret.
“I get bored of my day job and I fancied a challenge. I thought it might be for Madonna or Gal Gadot given the design.
“When they collected it they finally told me it was for Kim Kardashian.”
While his sister Nicki Hill, who works alongside her brother, put the kettle on, Martyn got to work trimming and reshaping my bargain-buy mannequin.
And despite insisting he was “learning on the job”, it did not take long before he had it fitting my body perfectly.
As he sanded, shaped and sprayed, Martyn explained why he loves his work so much.
He said: “I get job satisfaction out of everything I do because a car comes in damaged and goes out looking like nothing ever happened to it.
“I like to see people smile, it makes me think, ‘You’ve done a good job’.”
After smoothing down the plastic and testing the fit of my new armour, the painting finally began.
Martyn primed the torso twice before layering on the metallic orange paint, which costs £60 a tin.
Explaining the process, he told me: “I sprayed it with a plastic adhesion promoter. And now I’ve started putting on the base coat, that’s the actual colour.
“It dries matt and it requires a clear lacquer to make it all glossy and smoother as well.”
While we waited for the paint to dry, Martyn admitted he still couldn’t believe the reaction he got after Kim wore his work in New York.
He said: “I didn’t expect this kind of attention at all. I thought I may get in a local newspaper, but not this. It’s been crazy. Things like this don’t happen every day, do they?
“I think everyone gets a little bit of a limelight at some point in their lives, and this will be mine.”
Martyn usually charges £60 an hour for his paint jobs – but he’d kindly offered his services free to The Sun.
I told him girls would pay at least £150 for one of these to wear at festivals and clubs.
He’d spent 13 hours perfecting Kim’s costume – but my masterpiece was ready in three.
The flimsy mannequin I had lugged all the way from my flat in North London was transformed into a glossy tangerine statement piece that looked strikingly similar to Kim’s.
When I at last put it on, complete with a £10 sarong, also from Amazon, I felt a million dollars.
Gone was the cheap plastic torso, replaced instead by a beautifully shiny, metallic, sculpted costume practically begging for a red carpet moment of its own.
Naturally, there was only one thing left to do — take it to the pub.
And after all his work, Martyn had definitely earned a pint.
Rather than jumping into a custom Mercedes people carrier like the one that took Kim from her hotel suite in New York to the gala at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, Martyn and I hopped into my photographer Olivia’s trusty motor and headed to The Royal Oak in Lydd.
How easy would it be for a mere mortal like me to live life dressed like a Met Gala star?
As we walked in, we were met with screams from locals who were enjoying a quiet night watching the Spurs game.
Landlady Sharon, 56, told me: “Everyone’s so excited because we are just a small town and since it’s all come out about Martyn it’s gone mad, the town is so excited for him.
“The whole thing is brilliant. It’s put our little town on the map.”
Waddling around in my plastic outfit seemed a little too easy, so I asked Sharon if I could get to work behind the bar.
Truth be told, it was not my easiest shift.
My breastplate, while beautiful, did not allow for much movement — and going to the ladies’ was not something I even wanted to attempt.
Still, the locals absolutely loved it. While I poured pints of London Pride pale ale for the locals who were getting far more than they bargained for on a Monday night, one punter told me: “I wish all barmaids wore that.”
Another customer, Paul, 55, added: “If only they did a male version, you wouldn’t need to worry about spillage.”
I am not entirely sure that was Kim’s fashion inspiration, but he may have a point.
Steven, who was celebrating his 60th birthday, called seeing a Kim K 2.0 pouring his drinks a “great birthday present”.
Another local told me: “You look beautiful, it’s better than the original 100 per cent.” Which made Martyn beam.
And it was not just the blokes that were impressed. Barmaid Libby, 20, said: “I’d wear it to a festival or a party, anywhere.
“I think it’s amazing.
The proudest person in the room was Martyn himself.
Looking at the finished piece, he told me: “It’s gone great, I really enjoyed today.
“It’s been another honour and a pleasure. I’m amazed at what we’ve come up with in the end.
“I am proud of that. You found the perfect thing for it, and we’ve come up trumps, you look amazing.”
Now Martyn is dreaming big, remaining open to the world of fashion and more customs.
And when I ask whether he preferred fixing cars or crafting curves, he jokes: “T*ts all day.”
